The NVC Process
The following example represents a conceptual model for implementing NVC, it is intended for teaching and practice, rather than a rote way of speaking. The examples are what is called "Classical Giraffe" language, which may sound stilted or unnatural however when learning any language one must start at the beginning with vocabulary (the actual feeling and needing words) and move onto grammar and speaking with fluency. Experienced "Giraffes" speak quite naturally, while keeping the process below in mind.
Two Parts of NVC
This represents the "Giraffe Dance", or what Amy refers to as the "Giraffe Continuum". It is a constantly moving loop of receiving and reflecting empathically, and honest expression of what is alive within us. The infinity symbol and the "Giraffe Continuum" are one in the same.
The four components of Compassionate Connection:
- Observation without evaluation - such as something a video camera or tape recording would reflect. As evaluation (judgment) is removed and replaced with observation, many of the triggers that come between people communicating are eliminated. We are truly able to speak and listen from our hearts and do not include opinions or views - the concrete actions we are observing.
What am I seeing/hearing that is or is not contributing to my well-being?
"When I see..." "When I hear..."
An evaluative statement: "You're being mean and making me feel bad!"
An observation without evaluation: "When I hear you say I am stupid and worthless..."
- Feelings - The emotional and/or physical state without thoughts or interpretations attached, interpretations are actually our thoughts. By stating our feelings, or guessing those of others, we strengthen our connection and practice being empathic. This facilitates deeper understanding of others and ourselves, and brings a level of awareness to the multi-faceted experience of emotions. Feelings describe our inner experience rather than our interpretation of other's actions.
What am I feeling in relation to the observation?
"I feel..." "I am..."
A thinking or interpretive statement: "I feel that you are being mean."
A true expression of feelings: "I feel uncertain and dismayed..."
- Needs - Needs make us who we are, and represent the very core of our humanity. In stating our needs, or guessing those of others, we connect to what is alive in them, and ourselves. Needs are universal - not attached to specific person, place, time or behavior, reflected by our deepest values and what we long for.
My core values, and the life energy of the dream/wish/needs that are creating my feelings.
"...because I value/dream/wish..." "...because I need..."
Strategies stated as needs: "I need you to do..."
A true expression of needs: "I need compassion and support..."
- Requests - What is our objective? To get the listener to do what we want? Or to have a relationship based on honesty, empathy and connection? Making a clear and present request provides an opportunity to contribute to our needs, or those of others, and helps us gain clarity about what it is that we desire. Clear, present, concrete and do-able actions in THIS moment. Include feelings and needs with request, without them they may be received as a demand.
Connection Request:
"Would you tell me..."
"Would you tell me how you heard what I said?"
Action Request:
"Would you be willing to..."
"Would you be willing to take 5 minutes in silence to gather our thoughts?"
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